Confession

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been ten months since my last confession.” Jason turned his head to look through the screen separating him from the mysterious priest to his left. It had been long enough since his last visit that Jason honestly had no idea who he was talking to. Through the screen, the priest was nothing more than a blurred shadow.

Jason thought he saw a nod of a head, so he continued, taking a deep breath as he began.

“I was at this Chinese restaurant. Caleb was with me. He ordered some sort of fried rice with chicken. I asked for three orders of the crab rangoon.

“The waiter merely nodded, but Caleb asked me if I had some sort of obsession with crustaceans. I didn’t answer. Instead, I launched my straw at his head.”

“Is that your sin?” The voice from the priest’s side of the screen was calm and even, but laced with curiosity.

“No. That was just me being annoying. When the waiter brought our food, I sat there in awe for a minute, gazing down at the twelve little fluted packets of crab and cream cheese before me. I finally pulled out my phone and took a picture.

“I guess my flash was on from the night before. When it went off, the guy at the table next to me jerked his arm and knocked over the candle on his table. Which caught the tablecloth on fire.”

“That is unfortunate, but not a sin.”

“Not yet. I’m getting to the sin. So the table next to us is on fire. Caleb grabbed a bucket of ice sitting on the bar and threw it on the fire. Somehow that worked. The fire was out, but the guy that knocked over the candle was turning red, like he was so angry he was going to burst a blood vessel.

“What it took us a minute to figure out was that he wasn’t red because he was angry. He was choking. I noticed a plate of shrimp on his table, so he must have inhaled one of those suckers when the flash startled him.”

“His tragedy is not your sin.”

“Still not to the sin. This part is just what’s going in my memoir when I’m famous. So anyway, this guy is turning red, then purple, and Caleb is frozen, still holding onto the empty bucket. So I jumped out of my chair and yanked the red dude from his seat. He was a big guy, it took brute force to get him up and clutched in front of me.

“He didn’t help at all. He just kind of dangled there in my arms, all docile, while I pushed on his stomach until something came flying out. I couldn’t tell what it was until it smacked Caleb in the face before landing on the middle of our table.”

“What was it?” The priest’s voice was now pure curiosity.

“A chunk of cucumber.”

It was silent on both sides of the screen for a long minute as the two men visualized the scene.

Finally the priest spoke. “So what is your confession?”

“I don’t even like crab. I just thought the rangoon would make a good picture.”